“Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.” Oscar Wilde

“I just want what every married woman wants, someone besides her husband to sleep with.” Peg Bundy, the character on the television show Married with Children.

Some studies indicate that married people live longer, benefit from better health, earn more money, accumulate more wealth, feel happier, enjoy more satisfying sexual relationships, and have happier and more successful children than those who remain single, cohabit, or get divorced (see here). Despite such benefits, about half of all recent marriages currently end in divorce and many people choose to be single parents. Although marriage offers great benefits, many people do not want to be married. This is the marriage paradox.

If sex within marriage is so good, why do so many people seek extramarital sex? Extramarital sex prevails despite the enormous risks it carries for those involved in it, including risks to their health, family, financial resources, and status. Moreover, it has been argued that married people have both more and better sex than singles do; only cohabitors have more sex than married couples, but they do not necessarily enjoy it as much. Married people are more satisfied with sex than cohabiting or single people are. This is due not merely to convenience, but to commitment. Thus, people who expect their current relationship to last at least several years are more likely than less committed people to find sex extremely satisfying emotionally.

Satisfaction with a sexual relationship is increased when the partners do not have sex with others. Accordingly, married people with more traditional views concerning sex out of wedlock are more likely to be sexually satisfied than married people with less traditional views are. However, even married people who have sexual affairs might enjoy better sex with their spouse. Thus, Margaret, a married woman who is having an affair for the first time in her long marriage, says, “The best orgasms I get are with my husband, although I can have faster and more orgasms with my lover. But there is something with my husband that is unique; I guess we have had more practice.”

Analyzing the empirical findings concerning the above marriage paradox requires a subtle approach. Indeed, one longitudinal study of the impact of marital transitions on life satisfaction reveals that people who get married and stay married are indeed more satisfied than on average, but they were already so, long before the marriage took place. It seems that, often, happy people are more likely to get and stay married. On average, people get only a very small boost from marriage; most people are no more satisfied after marriage than they were prior to it. (Although it should be noted that the events of widowhood, and perhaps divorce as well, appear to have long-lasting negative effects.)

These findings do not mean that, after marriage, all people retain their starting level of satisfaction. Instead, while many people end up happier than they were before marriage, just as many end up less happy than they were, as marriage can be pleasant but also stressful. Various psychological factors are involved in determining such results. These findings suggest that some of the differences concerning happiness in marriage are due to pre-existing differences in satisfaction-these individual differences can easily be overlooked if only average trends are examined. Contextual and individual differences are thus crucial for determining long-term, as well as short-term, life satisfaction.

Several implications can be drawn from the above findings. First, for many people marriage is a suitable social framework for maintaining a high level of happiness; it is a most suitable one for those who are typically happier. Second, marriage is not suitable for many other people-typically, those with lower levels of happiness. Third, the existence of romantic bonds, as well as other life circumstances, can make a difference to our happiness. Although for many people marriage is a beneficial romantic form, for others it is not.

Historically, the social framework of marriage has been considered beneficial because it offers life satisfaction, sex, children, and financial benefits. Not all these factors have had a similar weight through history. Thus, in some sectors of certain societies, life satisfaction and sex were not significant in marriage. Our current society provides alternative forms of relationships that can offer these benefits, too. Thus, there are plenty of sexual opportunities outside marriage, children do not have to be raised within marriage, and people ensure their financial security without being married.

It seems that the gradual process of dissociating marriage from its significant relative advantages in terms of factors such as sex, children and financial security will continue. Accordingly, the survival of marriage will depend upon (a) its ability to fulfill its intrinsic emotional function-that is, offering a more satisfactory form of life, and (b) its ability to be at least as beneficial as other alternatives regarding the other factors. It would appear that marriage can be at least as beneficial as other forms of relationships in matters of raising children and financial security. In terms of other factors, greater personal space would be very valuable in order to maximize such benefits.

The above considerations can be encapsulated in the following statement that a lover might express: “Darling, I have read that marriage is good for people and makes them very happy. So why are you so miserable in our marriage? Perhaps you haven’t yet read those studies?”

Source: http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/in-the-name-love/201002/if-marriage-is-so-good-why-do-so-many-people-seek-divorce

What is in a pronoun? Apparently a very great deal according to research done at U.C.Berkeley. A study of 150 married couples was completed at U.C. Berkeley and published in the American Psychological Association journal, “Psychology and Aging.” The couples were middle aged and older. The middle aged group had been married at least fifteen years and the older couples thirty years and more.

One of the most important variables studied and reported in this research were the numbers of times couples used words such as, “we, our, us,” as opposed to words such as, “I, me, you.” The couples who reported feelings of happiness in their marriages used the pronouns “we, our, us,” frequently while the couples who with lower feelings of happiness used the pronouns, “I, me, you,” more frequently.

Interestingly, when a spouse used the term “we” to talk about an activity, the other spouse registered very positive feelings. In other words, spouses enjoy hearing their partner using “we” types of words.

This does not suggest that the road to a happier marriage lies in how couples express themselves. Rather, noting the types of pronouns couples use gives a clue as to how they see their marriages and themselves.

Discussion:

Buber was correct when he discussed the importance of relationships to human happiness. This is an important fact that many people have difficulty grasping and understanding in today’s world and perhaps always.

I have counseled many couples who find themselves in a quandary about their marriage because they are having difficulty becoming a “we” as opposed to “me.” Perhaps the reason is that some fear dependence on another person with whom they are called upon to share money, power and decisions. Perhaps some of them marry too young and have not outgrown the adolescent striving for independence from parents. These are speculations. Basically, many couples experience difficulty with the transition from being an individual to being a team.

I have often pointed out to couples that being a team or a “we” does not imply the loss of independence. We all too often hear the word “dependence” being used in the most pejorative ways possible. Its as if we are all supposed to be totally self sufficient and have no need for others. Perhaps this comes from our (American) frontier heritage where we value staunch individuality. However, there is no real conflict between teamwork and individuality. Yes, we sometimes need to subordinate our individual wants and preferences to the needs of the group, family or marriage. However, we also derive a great sense of security, being loved and loving within the context of “we.” Being in relation to is an essential human need. We are not hermits. If we try to live too long in “Walden” we feel increasingly isolated and depressed.

Of course, people come to my office when their individual or marriage lives are in trouble. How many times have I winced in pain when a couple sits in front of me, angry, distant, brooding and, when they each begin talking the pronoun “she” is hurled at the wife, or the pronoun “he” is hurled at the husband. No longer are they Sally, Paula, Martha or George, Henry, Mike, if they ever really were to one another. If there ever was a sense of “we” it is long gone now into the painful “him,” “she.” Ouch!

Source:  http://www.mentalhelp.net/poc/view_doc.php?type=doc&id=35592&cn=289

What makes for a happy marriage?

Mark Dombeck, Ph.D.

In order to best understand how a marriage can come apart, it is helpful first to understand some of the ways that healthy marriages are structured, and how they function.

Healthy marriage partners are compatible partners

In a marriage that is to stand the test of time, romance is important, but compatibility is critical. By and large, partners in healthy marriages come to agree upon common agendas regarding the directions their marriage will take, and the way each partner will behave. These common agreements may never have been discussed, but they will be present implicitly in how each partner chooses to act.

Areas of agreement that partners will have dealt with will generally include:

• *Friendship. Successful partners develop a significant friendship at the core of their relationship. They genuinely like one another, amuse and comfort one another, and prefer to spend time with each other. This friendship and mutual liking is somewhat separate from other aspects of the relationship (sexuality, for instance), and can survive the loss of these other aspects of the relationship. A strong friendship and mutual liking is often the basis for repair of troubled relationships.

 
• *Role expectations. The partners reach agreement with regard to how household responsibilities are divided and how they will behave towards each other. Traditionally, and still dominantly, the male or masculine-identified partner will take on the majority of financial obligations, while the female or feminine-identified partner will take on nurturing roles. Tradition has broken down significantly in the industrialized west over the last century, however, and it is not at all uncommon to find ‘women’ who take on financial obligations, ‘men’ who take on nurturing roles, or to find both partners sharing these roles to one degree or another. Failure to reach agreement with regard to roles can be a major source of conflict.

 
• *Emotional intimacy. Successful partners learn to trust each other, to be vulnerable with each other, to laugh together, and to support one another in times of need.

 
• *Sexual expectations. Partners come to basic agreements as to how they will be sexual with each other. Frequently (traditionally) this means that they will be sexual with one another, and not with other people, but this is not necessarily the case. Sexual expectations may further dictate the kinds and patterns of sexual activities that each partner will and will not engage in. Coming to agreement with regard to sexuality can increase trust that couples feel for each other, and failure to reach agreement can be cause for conflict. As sexual activity is strongly rewarding and bonding for couples, it is best for marriages when partners agree upon sexual expectations and are both satisfied with their lovemaking.

 
• *Vision/Goals. Successful partners agree that they want to pursue the same life paths, values and goals and mutually commit to those paths, values and goals. Examples might include decisions to have children or not, to attend or not attend religious services, to raise a child in a particular faith, to save or spend money, or to live frugally or extravagantly, etc.

Successful marriages tend to be populated by partners who come to their marriage with pre-existing significant compatibilities (of personality, temperament, goals, etc.) that make it easier for them to reach agreement because they frequently end up wanting the same thing. They may share commonalities with regard to personality, temperament, or preferences for volatile or conflict-avoiding interactions, as well as goals, religious and ethical ideals, etc.

While these areas of agreement do tend to be present in healthy marriages, we should note that no marriage is perfect, and that many perfectly good marriages harbor disagreements with regard to some of the domains we’ve discussed. In general, however, the more domains you and your partner are in agreement on, the better are your chances for a healthy marriage.

Background factors play a minor role in determining marriage success.

Personality, temperament and goal compatibility is very important in determining whether a marriage will be strong. Other background factors are also important, however. Better marriages are reported by people who chose to marry later in life as opposed to younger, by people who recall being very intensely in love with their partners prior to getting married, and by people who maintain close family relationships and whose parents’ approved of their marriage. Also, people identified with more traditional sex-role and religious values tend to report having higher quality marriages overall (although it isn’t clear that such people aren’t just reporting positive outcomes based on their desire to present themselves in a positive light). When all factors relating to marital adjustment are considered together, personality and life-goal compatibility seems to be of paramount importance, and background factors such as whether partners come from similar family, religious or economic backgrounds or whether they have similar dating histories appear to be of lessor importance.

Source:  http://www.mentalhelp.net/poc/view_doc.php?type=doc&id=4397&cn=289