Speaking Male, Speaking Female — Communicating Into Another’s Listening
Communicating “to” or “at” someone is a far different experience than communicating “with” someone. Master communicators speak into another’s listening, “with” them. What is another’s listening, particularly across the genders of male and female? Misattunements-missing each other by not accurately understanding each other on the levels of feelings, cognitions or intentions-happen all the time, to our collective dissatisfaction and unworkability.
To create a context, consider gift-giving. People, usually below the level of conscious awareness, quite regularly give another what they want and figure the person receiving the gift would like it too. Thinking and acting in accord with this agenda usually does not work. How many guys want pretty clothes and cologne, while how many gals want a sport equipment and video games? Not large numbers. The real trick is to give a gift the other person will treasure.
A classic example is giving your partner a little massage. Males tend to be stronger and firmer in their massages given this is their preference. Physiologically males’ skin is thicker and needs a stronger, firmer touch for him to really feel the touch in the massage. The female typically does not appreciate this and quickly lets the male know this with irritably saying, “Ouch! Can’t you be any gentler? Tender does it!” Physiologically females’ skin is thinner and thus needs a much lighter and tender touch. So long as he doesn’t get defensive or take anything personally, and further begins to understand what females need in massages is a lighter, gentler touch and offers this, all gets back in attunement. Similarly, the woman starts to gently massage the male and he lets her know in no uncertain terms that, “I don’t feel much of anything; can’t you press any harder and stronger?” Again, so long as she takes influence without resistance, defensiveness or personalizing, all comes back into pleasant attunement with mutual satisfaction.
Read in Full: http://www.mentalhelp.net/poc/view_doc.php?type=doc&id=39002&cn=289
Broken hearts hurt men more than women
June 11, 2010
Women may shed more tears over a busted romantic relationship, but men suffer the greater emotional toll, researchers say.
In a study of more than 1,000 men and women, ages 18 to 23, researchers found that unhappy romances cause men more emotional grief, including threatening their identity and feelings of self-worth. Young men and women express their distress at a breakup differently. Women are more likely to feel depressed after a breakup, while men are more likely to have substance-abuse problems.
Men may be more affected by a breakup because their romantic partners are their primary source of intimacy. Women, however, are more likely to have other close relationships with friends or family members to turn to for support, said the study’s author, Robin Simon of Wake Forest University.
Nonmarital relationships are important to a young adult’s well-being, Simon said. “However, the advantages of partner support and disadvantages of partner strain are more closely associated with men’s than women’s mental health,” she wrote.
The study is published in the June issue of the Journal of Health and Social Behavior.
— Shari Roan
Source:Â http://latimesblogs.latimes.com/booster_shots/2010/06/romance-men-relationships-breakup.html
Relationship Insecurity Ups Health Risks
Reviewed by John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on July 21, 2010
A new study shows that people who have self-doubts about relationships may be at higher risk for future health conditions than those who feel secure in relationships.
In the study, researchers found people who feel insecure about their attachments to others might be at higher risk for cardiovascular problems.
“This is the first study to examine adult attachment and a range of specific health conditions,†said lead author Lachlan A. McWilliams, PhD, of Acadia University. He and a colleague examined data on 5,645 adults age 18 to 60 from the National Cormorbidity Survey Replication and found that people who felt insecure in relationships or avoided getting close to others might be at a higher risk of developing several chronic diseases.
Ratings of attachment insecurity were positively associated with a wide range of health problems, they found.
“Much of the health research regarding attachment has focused on pain conditions, so we were initially surprised that some of our strongest findings involved conditions related to the cardiovascular system,†said McWilliams.
Participants rated themselves on three attachment styles – secure, avoidant, and anxious.
Secure attachment refers to feeling able to get close to others and being willing to have others depend on you. Avoidant attachment refers to difficulty getting close to others and trusting others. Anxious attachment refers to the tendency to worry about rejection, feel needy and find others are reluctant to get close to you.
Read in Full:Â http://psychcentral.com/news/2010/07/21/relationship-insecurity-ups-health-risks/15837.html
 
The girls tearing their hair out (literally): The secret compulsion that’s as disturbing as any eating disorder
By Rachel Porter
Last updated at 10:33 AM on 15th July 2010
Laura Forbes has a ten-a-day habit that she is desperate to break. She tries to keep her hands and her mind occupied, but when she does succumb to temptation she feels guilty and frustrated to have derailed another attempt to give it up for good.
Laura is not addicted to cigarettes or to any other well-known vice. She is a trichotillomaniac – one of more than a million women in Britain who are tormented by the constant urge to tear out their own hair.
That Laura is plucking only ten hairs from her head a day is a great triumph of willpower for a girl whose obsession, at its peak, left her bald from the crown to the front of her head.
‘I can finally say that I’m controlling it, instead of it controlling me,’ says Laura, 28, who has had this little-known condition for half of her life.
‘The greatest step forward was the realisation that the urge to do it will never go, but it will become manageable. Alcoholics will always be alcoholics, but some will learn to control or ignore the urge to drink – this is similar.’
Shame and secrecy are part of the condition, which makes it difficult to know for certain how many people are afflicted.
But estimates range between two and four per cent of the population, including a small number of men. This puts trichotillomania on a par with conditions like anorexia or anxiety attacks.
But most of us have never heard of trichotillomania – also known as tricho and TTM – and, despite its prevalence, neither have many doctors.
So for women like Laura it can take years to find the help they need to overcome the maddening urge to pull out their hair – often causing permanent damage to their follicles.
‘I had been pulling my hair for about a year by the time my parents realised that I needed help,’ says Laura.
‘I will never forget going to see the GP and revealing the extent of the problem. He looked at me and said: “Well, stop doing it then.”
‘Now, 14 years later, I know it’s not that simple. It was an unconscious habit - my hand would wander up to my hair, my brain would zone out and, before I knew it, there would be huge bunches of hair around me.’
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The girls tearing their hair out (literally): The secret compulsion that’s as disturbing as any eating disorder
By Rachel Porter
Last updated at 10:33 AM on 15th July 2010
Laura Forbes has a ten-a-day habit that she is desperate to break. She tries to keep her hands and her mind occupied, but when she does succumb to temptation she feels guilty and frustrated to have derailed another attempt to give it up for good.
Laura is not addicted to cigarettes or to any other well-known vice. She is a trichotillomaniac – one of more than a million women in Britain who are tormented by the constant urge to tear out their own hair.
That Laura is plucking only ten hairs from her head a day is a great triumph of willpower for a girl whose obsession, at its peak, left her bald from the crown to the front of her head.
‘I can finally say that I’m controlling it, instead of it controlling me,’ says Laura, 28, who has had this little-known condition for half of her life.
‘The greatest step forward was the realisation that the urge to do it will never go, but it will become manageable. Alcoholics will always be alcoholics, but some will learn to control or ignore the urge to drink – this is similar.’
Shame and secrecy are part of the condition, which makes it difficult to know for certain how many people are afflicted.
But estimates range between two and four per cent of the population, including a small number of men. This puts trichotillomania on a par with conditions like anorexia or anxiety attacks.
But most of us have never heard of trichotillomania – also known as tricho and TTM – and, despite its prevalence, neither have many doctors.
So for women like Laura it can take years to find the help they need to overcome the maddening urge to pull out their hair – often causing permanent damage to their follicles.
‘I had been pulling my hair for about a year by the time my parents realised that I needed help,’ says Laura.
‘I will never forget going to see the GP and revealing the extent of the problem. He looked at me and said: “Well, stop doing it then.”
‘Now, 14 years later, I know it’s not that simple. It was an unconscious habit - my hand would wander up to my hair, my brain would zone out and, before I knew it, there would be huge bunches of hair around me.’
 
Savoring ‘Islands of Genius’ is a true no-brainer
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Savoring ‘Islands of Genius’ is a true no-brainer
 
 
Here’s a subject that can make tempers flare: homeschooling regulation. Some parents feel that our federal and state governments should keep their fingerprints completely off of homeschooling. Others believe that modest oversight on a state-by-state basis is acceptable. And then there are plenty of observers outside the homeschooling community who wonder: Why aren’t home-educated children held to the same minimum standards as public school students? And shouldn’t homeschooling parents be required to get teaching certificates, or college diplomas?
I’ll consider the question of standards and testing for homeschooled children in a future post. For now, let’s focus on the second issue: the qualifications of homeschooling parents. Homeschooling books and magazines often insist that all parents are capable of educating their children. Parents know their kids best, and are their natural teachers, right?
Not necessarily. While the vast majority of homeschoolers might be well-suited to “teach their own,” not all parents are cut out for homeschooling. Not only does it require double doses of patience, humor, and the financial freedom for one parent to forego a fulltime job, homeschooling Moms and Dads need basic competency in English and math, and that’s where the government tends to step in.
Read in Full:Â http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/love-in-time-homeschooling/201007/should-homeschooling-parents-have-college-degrees
 
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Here’s a subject that can make tempers flare: homeschooling regulation. Some parents feel that our federal and state governments should keep their fingerprints completely off of homeschooling. Others believe that modest oversight on a state-by-state basis is acceptable. And then there are plenty of observers outside the homeschooling community who wonder: Why aren’t home-educated children held to the same minimum standards as public school students? And shouldn’t homeschooling parents be required to get teaching certificates, or college diplomas?
I’ll consider the question of standards and testing for homeschooled children in a future post. For now, let’s focus on the second issue: the qualifications of homeschooling parents. Homeschooling books and magazines often insist that all parents are capable of educating their children. Parents know their kids best, and are their natural teachers, right?
Not necessarily. While the vast majority of homeschoolers might be well-suited to “teach their own,” not all parents are cut out for homeschooling. Not only does it require double doses of patience, humor, and the financial freedom for one parent to forego a fulltime job, homeschooling Moms and Dads need basic competency in English and math, and that’s where the government tends to step in.
Read in Full:Â http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/love-in-time-homeschooling/201007/should-homeschooling-parents-have-college-degrees
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ScienceDaily (July 22, 2010) — Childhood physical abuse is associated with significantly elevated rates of heart disease in adulthood, according to new findings by University of Toronto researchers, published in this month’s issue of the journal Child Abuse & Neglect.
“Individuals who reported they had been physically abused as children had 45 per cent higher odds of heart disease than their peers who had not been abused, despite the fact we had adjusted for most of the known risk factors for heart disease,” says Professor Esme Fuller-Thomson, who holds the Sandra Rotman Chair at U of T’s Factor-Inwentash Faculty of Social Work and Department of Family and Community Medicine.
The childhood abuse and heart disease link persisted even after controlling for health behaviours such as smoking, obesity and physical activity level, as well as other adverse childhood experiences such as parental addictions, adult income and education level, diabetes, self-reported stress and a history of high blood pressure and mood disorders.
These findings were based on data from a 2005 representative community survey conducted in two Canadian provinces. Of 13,000 respondents, seven per cent indicated they had been physically abused as children and four per cent reported they had been diagnosed with heart disease by a health professional.
Co-author John Frank, director of Scottish Collaboration for Public Health Research and Policy, notes, “This finding, if replicated in other studies, suggests that patients known to have experienced child abuse or neglect should have their cardiovascular risk factors managed somewhat more aggressively than other persons, since they are at greater risk.”
Frank believes that future research is needed to study the potential mechanisms through which childhood physical abuse is associated with heart disease. “Like many previous studies linking early life characteristics and experiences with late life serious disease, this study does not explain precisely how such links operate, biologically; further research will be required to understand that process.”
Source:Â http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2010/07/100722102043.htm