(Healing Together for Couples) – You don’t need to watch the movie Inception to gain tons of insight from this post. And it won’t give away the ending either. What it does is look at all of the destructive preconceived ideas we have about our partners and how it can potentially work to destroy our relationship. Read this and learn the tools you’ll need to work together instead of against one another. –
While the movie Inception has certainly invited discussion about dreams and even an interest and analysis of viewers’ own nightmares, you may recall that in the film, the motivation for entering the dream world is the recognition of the impact of a persistent idea. As Leonardo DiCaprio (Cobb) forebodes in the opening of the film, “What’s the most resilient parasite? An idea.”
In the movie’s narrative, hidden beneath the scaffolding of dreams and driven by the confusion of dream and reality is an idea that ultimately destroys Cobb’s wife, his relationship with his children and possibly his ability to discern reality – depending on your take of the ending.
Recognizing that media both reflects culture and is shaped by it, this film raises the question, “Can a persistent negative idea threaten a relationship?â€Â Yes.
Drawing upon DiCaprio’s ( Cobb’s) depiction of an idea as a resilient parasite, there are in fact, some ideas that partners have about self, their partner and aspects of their life that feed on fear, misunderstanding, past trauma and human frailty. Left unquestioned, often acted upon, sometimes hidden, and usually unexamined, they can impede the growth and vitality of a relationship.
The First Impression
“Your mother never liked me.â€Â “This new house was a mistake.”
Regardless of how good your â€bllink†of a situation, first impressions are still just that, an initial read made in a certain moment of time. Yes, your impression may be true at that time. The danger is that holding on to an impression as immutable fact forecloses on deeper understanding and can color years of dealing with a family or living in a home. Self-fulfilling prophesizes are fueled by first impressions and avoidance.
Consider that you co-create your experience in life by your response to it – you can look for evidence of a persisting idea or wonder what you haven’t noticed.
Even after a number of years, the more you move into a situation with curiosity instead of negative conviction the more freedom of emotional space you allow for you and your partner.
The Presumption of Knowing
Often persistent negative ideas color our perception of our partners in ways that are true, were once true, or never true. Some of the most relationship destructive ideas are what we “think†we know about our partner.
Over the years of working with couples, it very often happens that if I ask one partner a question, the other answers. While finishing each other’s sentences is something most partners are occasionally guilty of – there is a downside to this. The presumption of knowing a partner leaves little room for discussion and too much room for reaction based on misunderstanding, projection, and worst fear scenarios.
Consider these partner reactions to my questions:
- Therapist: “So Jack, what do you usually do to reduce stress?â€
- Michele: “He doesn’t reduce stress – he creates stress!â€
- Jack: “How can you say that- you have no idea what I handle every day.â€
- Therapist: “So Mary what can you tell me about the romance between you and Bob?â€
- Bob: “She can tell you that she hates sex.â€
- Mary: “I don’t hate sex – I hate your demand for sex.”
What is so valuable in the disclaimers and the discussion that unfolds is the confrontation of the presumptions. When â€knowingâ€Â is left unspoken, partners act in accordance with it creating vicious cycles of confirmation.
Read in Full:Â http://blogs.psychcentral.com/healing-together/2010/08/inception-and-dangerous-ideas-in-relationships/
 
August 6, 2010
By Therese J. Borchard
I loved these bits of advice from Beliefnet’s Renita Williams. Click here to see the original gallery.
We all have experienced hurt and pain in our lives. Sometimes we are exposed to experiences so painful that they leave marks that are difficult to heal-especially if we feel somone has wronged us or harmed us.
1. Acknowledge the problem
Figure out what it is that’s causing you to hold a grudge. You have to know what the problem is in order to solve it. When you allow yourself to see the real issue you can then make a choice to move forward from there.
2. Share your feelings.
A grudge can form when an issue isn’t fully confronted. Without being judgemental about yourself or another, clarify your feelings on the situation. Then, decide if this is something you will work on in your own heart or by contacting the other person involved. Only when you are ready, communicate with the other person about the issue. Whether you work it out on your own or involved the other person, you may feel more relieved by releasing that built up tension and all involved can have a better understanding of the situation and able to resolve the issue.
3. Switch places.
To get a better understanding of the other person, try putting yourself in their shoes. This will give you a better understanding of their point of view and behavior. Maybe the person in question was in a lot of pain. This doesn’t justify their negativity, but it will help you understand it. The more you understand the other person and their behavior, the easier it is not to let go of a grudge.
A natural response may be to develop a grudge, or even a hatred of the person who has caused us pain. But the person who holds the gudge always suffers more!
The longer we hold a grudge the more difficult it is to forgive and move on. You can begin to free yourself when you begin to forgive. Here are eight ways to get a grip on the pain and find the strength to let it go.
4. Accept what is.
Choose to create your own healing, with or without an apology. Don’t wait for the person you are upset with to come around. For all you know they are already past the issue and not putting as much thought into it. Even if they don’t offer an apology, it doesn’t mean they are not remorseful. Some people are unable to apologize or may not fully understand that the person they hurt may need to hear one.
Read in Full:Â http://blog.beliefnet.com/beyondblue/2010/08/8-ways-to-stop-holding-a-grudg.html
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August 6, 2010
By Therese J. Borchard
I loved these bits of advice from Beliefnet’s Renita Williams. Click here to see the original gallery.
We all have experienced hurt and pain in our lives. Sometimes we are exposed to experiences so painful that they leave marks that are difficult to heal-especially if we feel somone has wronged us or harmed us.
1. Acknowledge the problem
Figure out what it is that’s causing you to hold a grudge. You have to know what the problem is in order to solve it. When you allow yourself to see the real issue you can then make a choice to move forward from there.
2. Share your feelings.
A grudge can form when an issue isn’t fully confronted. Without being judgemental about yourself or another, clarify your feelings on the situation. Then, decide if this is something you will work on in your own heart or by contacting the other person involved. Only when you are ready, communicate with the other person about the issue. Whether you work it out on your own or involved the other person, you may feel more relieved by releasing that built up tension and all involved can have a better understanding of the situation and able to resolve the issue.
3. Switch places.
To get a better understanding of the other person, try putting yourself in their shoes. This will give you a better understanding of their point of view and behavior. Maybe the person in question was in a lot of pain. This doesn’t justify their negativity, but it will help you understand it. The more you understand the other person and their behavior, the easier it is not to let go of a grudge.
A natural response may be to develop a grudge, or even a hatred of the person who has caused us pain. But the person who holds the gudge always suffers more!
The longer we hold a grudge the more difficult it is to forgive and move on. You can begin to free yourself when you begin to forgive. Here are eight ways to get a grip on the pain and find the strength to let it go.
4. Accept what is.
Choose to create your own healing, with or without an apology. Don’t wait for the person you are upset with to come around. For all you know they are already past the issue and not putting as much thought into it. Even if they don’t offer an apology, it doesn’t mean they are not remorseful. Some people are unable to apologize or may not fully understand that the person they hurt may need to hear one.
Read in Full:Â http://blog.beliefnet.com/beyondblue/2010/08/8-ways-to-stop-holding-a-grudg.html
 
August 4, 2010
By Therese J. Borchard
Divorce is the second most stressful life event, preceded only by the death of a spouse. And what is stress is capable of? Expediting a severe bout of depression and anxiety to your limbic system (the brain’s emotional center) if you’re not careful. Acute and chronic stress, especially, undermine both emotional and physical health. In fact, a recent study published in the Journal of Health and Social Behavior suggests that divorced or widowed people have 20 percent more chronic health conditions such as heart disease, diabetes or cancer than married people.
Another study in Psychological Science claimed that a person’s happiness level drops as she approaches divorce, although there is rebounding over time if the person works at it. That what these 12 tips are: suggestions for preventing the devastating depression that often accompanies divorce, and techniques that you can use to keep your happiness level steady or maybe even higher!
1. Lose yourself in a book (or an afghan).
I think the one thing that kept my mom sane the years after she and my dad split were the 75 afghans she knitted for me, my sisters, and anyone who got married during between 1982 to 1985. The mundane, repetitive gesture, she told me later, kept her brain on the loop that she was making with her big plastic needles, away from all the sadness in her heart. Swimming is the same type of activity for me. I count each lap, so if I start to ruminate too much, I lose track. For an OCD gal who needs to burn calories, it’s a tragedy when that happens. A friend of mine who divorced last year said that losing herself in a juicy novel was a helpful diversion. Or I guess you could also watch reality TV, although I’d hate for you to sink that low.
2. Change your routine.
The year after my dad left, a counselor recommended to my mom that she go back to work. So she took a part-time job as a hostess at a nice restaurant downtown, working lunch hour. The job forced her to smile, meet new people, and be part of a fresh environment–all of which helped her to get out of her head for several hours of the day and gave her hope that there was new life out there, that just because her marriage had ended, didn’t mean her life was over.
3. Plan, plan, and plan some more.
In her book “Solace: Finding Your Way Through Grief and Learning to Live Again,” psychotherapist Roberta Temes suggests a few activities that are therapeutic during bereavement (and divorce is a kind of bereavement). One of them is planning. That is, planning everything. I know this works because I did it during the really low months of my severe depression. I planned when I would eat my bagel, when I would shower, and when I would relieve my bladder. I planned when I’d write my distorted thoughts into a journal, and when I would try to count my blessings. All the planning cut down on my ruminations. You think I’m crazy? Temes writes:
Use a calendar to make your plans. Plan when you will go somewhere new. Plan when you will buy yourself a new outfit. Plan to learn to knit and decide when you’ll go to the yarn store. Plan to go fishing and call a buddy who likes to fish. Or, learn how to frame a favorite photo and plan when you will venture to a craft shop or to an art supply store. Plan to repair something in your house and plan to go to Home Depot or to Lowe’s or to your local hardware store. Planning activities for your future will help you reach that future.
Source:Â http://blog.beliefnet.com/beyondblue/2010/08/12-depression-busters-for-divo-1.html
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August 4, 2010
By Therese J. Borchard
Divorce is the second most stressful life event, preceded only by the death of a spouse. And what is stress is capable of? Expediting a severe bout of depression and anxiety to your limbic system (the brain’s emotional center) if you’re not careful. Acute and chronic stress, especially, undermine both emotional and physical health. In fact, a recent study published in the Journal of Health and Social Behavior suggests that divorced or widowed people have 20 percent more chronic health conditions such as heart disease, diabetes or cancer than married people.
Another study in Psychological Science claimed that a person’s happiness level drops as she approaches divorce, although there is rebounding over time if the person works at it. That what these 12 tips are: suggestions for preventing the devastating depression that often accompanies divorce, and techniques that you can use to keep your happiness level steady or maybe even higher!
1. Lose yourself in a book (or an afghan).
I think the one thing that kept my mom sane the years after she and my dad split were the 75 afghans she knitted for me, my sisters, and anyone who got married during between 1982 to 1985. The mundane, repetitive gesture, she told me later, kept her brain on the loop that she was making with her big plastic needles, away from all the sadness in her heart. Swimming is the same type of activity for me. I count each lap, so if I start to ruminate too much, I lose track. For an OCD gal who needs to burn calories, it’s a tragedy when that happens. A friend of mine who divorced last year said that losing herself in a juicy novel was a helpful diversion. Or I guess you could also watch reality TV, although I’d hate for you to sink that low.
2. Change your routine.
The year after my dad left, a counselor recommended to my mom that she go back to work. So she took a part-time job as a hostess at a nice restaurant downtown, working lunch hour. The job forced her to smile, meet new people, and be part of a fresh environment–all of which helped her to get out of her head for several hours of the day and gave her hope that there was new life out there, that just because her marriage had ended, didn’t mean her life was over.
3. Plan, plan, and plan some more.
In her book “Solace: Finding Your Way Through Grief and Learning to Live Again,” psychotherapist Roberta Temes suggests a few activities that are therapeutic during bereavement (and divorce is a kind of bereavement). One of them is planning. That is, planning everything. I know this works because I did it during the really low months of my severe depression. I planned when I would eat my bagel, when I would shower, and when I would relieve my bladder. I planned when I’d write my distorted thoughts into a journal, and when I would try to count my blessings. All the planning cut down on my ruminations. You think I’m crazy? Temes writes:
Use a calendar to make your plans. Plan when you will go somewhere new. Plan when you will buy yourself a new outfit. Plan to learn to knit and decide when you’ll go to the yarn store. Plan to go fishing and call a buddy who likes to fish. Or, learn how to frame a favorite photo and plan when you will venture to a craft shop or to an art supply store. Plan to repair something in your house and plan to go to Home Depot or to Lowe’s or to your local hardware store. Planning activities for your future will help you reach that future.
Source:Â http://blog.beliefnet.com/beyondblue/2010/08/12-depression-busters-for-divo-1.html
 
August 5, 2010
By Therese J. Borchard
Nearly one-third of people caring for terminally ill loved ones suffer from depression according to research from Yale University. About one in four family caregivers meet the clinical criteria of anxiety. And a recent study found that 41 percent of former caregivers of a spouse with Alzheimer’s disease or another form of dementia experienced mild to severe depression up to three years after their spouse had died.
Caregivers are so vulnerable to depression because they often sacrifice their own needs while tending to their loved one and because of the constant stress involved. Here, then, are 12 tips to help protect you from anxiety and depression and to guide you toward good mental health as you care for a relative.
1. Acknowledge it.
If you haven’t already, say this out loud: “This sucks.” Call a spade a spade. Granted, you don’t want to ruminate on negative thoughts for too long. But suppressing your emotions–forcing that positive cap on each and every thought–can actually do more harm than good. For example, a recent study in the journal “Psychological Science” reported that people with low self-esteem who told themselves positive statements (“I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, Gosh darn it, people like me!”) actually ended up grumpier and with less self-esteem than before they started. What does this mean? Sometimes the best thing that we can do for our mental health is to be honest. And if you’re a caretaker, that means acknowledging that your situation, well, simply sucks.
2. Educate yourself.
Relieve some of your stress by reading up on your loved one’s condition. I say that because if you’re like me, you’re probably scared. You don’t know what’s coming down the pike. You detest surprises, and ever since your loved one fell ill, your life has been full of these shockers.
There’s no way of eliminating all the surprises, of course, but if you understand the illness(es) of the person you’re nursing, then you can better predict his behavior, and can prepare yourself for what may happen in a month or in a year. You might also consider attending a caregiver training program. A recent study showed significant improvement in the quality of life of caregivers who received training. Finally, two books I recommend are “The Caregiver Handbook: Powerful Tools for Caregiving” and “Caregiving: The Spiritual Journey of Love, Loss, and Renewal.”
Read More:Â http://blog.beliefnet.com/beyondblue/2010/08/12-depression-busters-for-care-1.html
Â
August 5, 2010
By Therese J. Borchard
Nearly one-third of people caring for terminally ill loved ones suffer from depression according to research from Yale University. About one in four family caregivers meet the clinical criteria of anxiety. And a recent study found that 41 percent of former caregivers of a spouse with Alzheimer’s disease or another form of dementia experienced mild to severe depression up to three years after their spouse had died.
Caregivers are so vulnerable to depression because they often sacrifice their own needs while tending to their loved one and because of the constant stress involved. Here, then, are 12 tips to help protect you from anxiety and depression and to guide you toward good mental health as you care for a relative.
1. Acknowledge it.
If you haven’t already, say this out loud: “This sucks.” Call a spade a spade. Granted, you don’t want to ruminate on negative thoughts for too long. But suppressing your emotions–forcing that positive cap on each and every thought–can actually do more harm than good. For example, a recent study in the journal “Psychological Science” reported that people with low self-esteem who told themselves positive statements (“I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, Gosh darn it, people like me!”) actually ended up grumpier and with less self-esteem than before they started. What does this mean? Sometimes the best thing that we can do for our mental health is to be honest. And if you’re a caretaker, that means acknowledging that your situation, well, simply sucks.
2. Educate yourself.
Relieve some of your stress by reading up on your loved one’s condition. I say that because if you’re like me, you’re probably scared. You don’t know what’s coming down the pike. You detest surprises, and ever since your loved one fell ill, your life has been full of these shockers.
There’s no way of eliminating all the surprises, of course, but if you understand the illness(es) of the person you’re nursing, then you can better predict his behavior, and can prepare yourself for what may happen in a month or in a year. You might also consider attending a caregiver training program. A recent study showed significant improvement in the quality of life of caregivers who received training. Finally, two books I recommend are “The Caregiver Handbook: Powerful Tools for Caregiving” and “Caregiving: The Spiritual Journey of Love, Loss, and Renewal.”
Read More:Â http://blog.beliefnet.com/beyondblue/2010/08/12-depression-busters-for-care-1.html
 
I am AFRAID of… balloons!!! Notice the eyes in this picture of me blowing up balloons for my pre-wedding party (Engagement Party). My future wife did not even know my fear then and there was no way I was going to tell her!! So, I grabbed the dam balloons and did what I had to DO!
I have no fear of heights (Hypsiphobia). I have no fear of snakes (Ophidiophobia). I don’t even have Necrophobia, a fear of death. NOPE! My fear and phobia is balloons!Â
I get anxious around them and avoid them whenever possible. Laugh if you must, but it is true!! This type of anxiety is classified as an “uncommon phobia†called Globophobia. Actually, it’s a rather common fear.
My anxiety over the dreaded balloons has been under control; I’m glad the sweating and panic attacks are gone. I can, however, trace my “issue†back to one night in my life. I was interviewed once by a fellow blogger and asked,
What is your strangest fear?
Read in Full:Â http://blogs.psychcentral.com/humor/2010/08/name-that-phobia-fear-of-balloons-globophobia/
Â
I am AFRAID of… balloons!!! Notice the eyes in this picture of me blowing up balloons for my pre-wedding party (Engagement Party). My future wife did not even know my fear then and there was no way I was going to tell her!! So, I grabbed the dam balloons and did what I had to DO!
I have no fear of heights (Hypsiphobia). I have no fear of snakes (Ophidiophobia). I don’t even have Necrophobia, a fear of death. NOPE! My fear and phobia is balloons!Â
I get anxious around them and avoid them whenever possible. Laugh if you must, but it is true!! This type of anxiety is classified as an “uncommon phobia†called Globophobia. Actually, it’s a rather common fear.
My anxiety over the dreaded balloons has been under control; I’m glad the sweating and panic attacks are gone. I can, however, trace my “issue†back to one night in my life. I was interviewed once by a fellow blogger and asked,
What is your strangest fear?
Read in Full:Â http://blogs.psychcentral.com/humor/2010/08/name-that-phobia-fear-of-balloons-globophobia/
Jan
22
 
Posted on Thu, Aug. 05, 2010 08:00 PM