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Speaking Male, Speaking Female — Communicating Into Another’s Listening

Will Joel Friedman, Ph.D. Updated: Jul 22nd 2010

Communicating “to” or “at” someone is a far different experience than communicating “with” someone. Master communicators speak into another’s listening, “with” them. What is another’s listening, particularly across the genders of male and female? Misattunements-missing each other by not accurately understanding each other on the levels of feelings, cognitions or intentions-happen all the time, to our collective dissatisfaction and unworkability.

To create a context, consider gift-giving. People, usually below the level of conscious awareness, quite regularly give another what they want and figure the person receiving the gift would like it too. Thinking and acting in accord with this agenda usually does not work. How many guys want pretty clothes and cologne, while how many gals want a sport equipment and video games? Not large numbers. The real trick is to give a gift the other person will treasure.

A classic example is giving your partner a little massage. Males tend to be stronger and firmer in their massages given this is their preference. Physiologically males’ skin is thicker and needs a stronger, firmer touch for him to really feel the touch in the massage. The female typically does not appreciate this and quickly lets the male know this with irritably saying, “Ouch! Can’t you be any gentler? Tender does it!” Physiologically females’ skin is thinner and thus needs a much lighter and tender touch. So long as he doesn’t get defensive or take anything personally, and further begins to understand what females need in massages is a lighter, gentler touch and offers this, all gets back in attunement. Similarly, the woman starts to gently massage the male and he lets her know in no uncertain terms that, “I don’t feel much of anything; can’t you press any harder and stronger?” Again, so long as she takes influence without resistance, defensiveness or personalizing, all comes back into pleasant attunement with mutual satisfaction.

Read in Full:  http://www.mentalhelp.net/poc/view_doc.php?type=doc&id=39002&cn=289

 

Broken hearts hurt men more than women

June 11, 2010

Women may shed more tears over a busted romantic relationship, but men suffer the greater emotional toll, researchers say.

In a study of more than 1,000 men and women, ages 18 to 23, researchers found that unhappy romances cause men more emotional grief, including threatening their identity and feelings of self-worth. Young men and women express their distress at a breakup differently. Women are more likely to feel depressed after a breakup, while men are more likely to have substance-abuse problems.

Men may be more affected by a breakup because their romantic partners are their primary source of intimacy. Women, however, are more likely to have other close relationships with friends or family members to turn to for support, said the study’s author, Robin Simon of Wake Forest University.

Nonmarital relationships are important to a young adult’s well-being, Simon said. “However, the advantages of partner support and disadvantages of partner strain are more closely associated with men’s than women’s mental health,” she wrote.
 
The study is published in the June issue of the Journal of Health and Social Behavior.

— Shari Roan

Source:  http://latimesblogs.latimes.com/booster_shots/2010/06/romance-men-relationships-breakup.html

 

Relationship Insecurity Ups Health Risks

By Rick Nauert PhD Senior News Editor
Reviewed by John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on July 21, 2010

A new study shows that people who have self-doubts about relationships may be at higher risk for future health conditions than those who feel secure in relationships.

In the study, researchers found people who feel insecure about their attachments to others might be at higher risk for cardiovascular problems.

“This is the first study to examine adult attachment and a range of specific health conditions,” said lead author Lachlan A. McWilliams, PhD, of Acadia University. He and a colleague examined data on 5,645 adults age 18 to 60 from the National Cormorbidity Survey Replication and found that people who felt insecure in relationships or avoided getting close to others might be at a higher risk of developing several chronic diseases.

Ratings of attachment insecurity were positively associated with a wide range of health problems, they found.

“Much of the health research regarding attachment has focused on pain conditions, so we were initially surprised that some of our strongest findings involved conditions related to the cardiovascular system,” said McWilliams.

Participants rated themselves on three attachment styles – secure, avoidant, and anxious.

Secure attachment refers to feeling able to get close to others and being willing to have others depend on you. Avoidant attachment refers to difficulty getting close to others and trusting others. Anxious attachment refers to the tendency to worry about rejection, feel needy and find others are reluctant to get close to you.

Read in Full:  http://psychcentral.com/news/2010/07/21/relationship-insecurity-ups-health-risks/15837.html



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